My Forehead

A World of Fear

North By Southwest

O. Henry's Incredible Time-Travel Adventure!

These go together:
Untitled Ashton Kutcher Romantic Comedy Project
Girls Are Neat
The Dating Lame
The Reunion Committee
Marriage Stuff
Stay For The Credits

Other Stuff
(Pre-English 127)

An Old Script

An Incomplete Book



English 127 Portfolio
Biff Porkingham, Trash Digger

When my friend Ty moved into his new house, he found some boxes of old, weird papers, including this script, which I don't remember but apparently wrote in high school. I've transcribed it as closely as I could, errors and all. I've also included some notes at the end of the script. Enjoy!





Camera PANS dump. The dump is just getting dark, and smoke is rising from some of the trash piles. A trumpet wails lazily in the background. PAN STOPS with Biff's shack in the background. Camera focus shifts as Billy enters the foreground. Billy looks around nervously, sees BIFF'S SHACK, walks toward it, and knocks cautiously on the door.

BIFF: It's open!


The door slowly creaks open. All that can be seen inside is the top of BIFF'S DESK, lit by (what else?) a desk lamp. Billy walks into the room.

BILLY: Um, Mister Porkingham?

BIFF: That's me, kid. What can I do for you?

BILLY: Well, um, my name is... Billy, and I always wanted to be a trash digger.

BIFF: I don't know, kid. It's kind of a tough job toget started in.

BILLY: Well, maybe you could tell me how you got your start.

Biff leans into the light looks at Billy.

BIFF: What did you say?

BIFF(VO): I doubted my own ears!

Biff feels his ears.

BILLY: I said, how did you get your start as a trash digger?

BIFF(VO): I eyed him warily.

Biff eyes him warily.

BIFF(VO): He could be a spy from a rival trash digger. I decided I would take no chances.

BIFF: Well, kid, that's a long story...

BILLY: I'd really like to know, but if you don't want to talk about it... sniff sniff...

Billy walks toward the door until his back is to the camera.

BIFF(OC): Wait a minute, kid!

Billy stops

BILLY: Sob, sob, sniffle... what?

BIFF: C'mon back here.

Billy turns around with a smile on his face, and sits down in a chair across from Biff's desk.

BIFF: I might as well tell you. I don't have anything better todo today anyway. It all began in deepest Africa ...


Biff hacking his way through the jungle with a machetti.

BIFF(VO): I was there investigating a rumor that the rare and priceless Star of Bulgaria diamond was on the continent. Then I saw it.

Biff's hacking reveals RALPH'S AFRICAN BAR AND GRILL.

BIFF: Ralph's African Bar and Grill. Probably the most wretched hive of scum and villainy IN AFRICA . I decided to go in.

Biff walks to the door of the bar.


INSIDE THE BAR AND GRILL: Music is playing loudly from a cheap stereo system. People are doing things that people do in bars. Guys are## trying to pick up girls. A drunk is asleep on the bar counter. A man is juggling peanuts. The bartender is behind the bar cleaning a beer mug.

Biff walks in.

All action stops. All eyes watch Biff walk up to the bar.

BIFF(VO): I knew I had to impress the bartender if I wanted any information, so I ordered a real man's drink.

BIFF: Bartender!

BART: YEAH, waddyah want?

BIFF: Get me a banana daquiri- with double banana!

BART: Yessir! Anything you say sir! Can I get you anything else sir?

BIFF: How about some information?

BART: Information, sir? What kind of information?

BIFF: Ever heard of the Star of Bulgaria diamond?

BART: The Star# of Bulgaria , sir? Of course! Everyone in Africa Knows that EEEEEEEEEYYAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhh.....

The bartender falls forward over the counter, a huge bamboo spear protruding from his back.

BIFF(TO CAMERA): I've got a bad feeling about this....

BIFF(VO): It was a Monogoheela tribal spear. But they made peace with the light skinned ones many moons ago. Could it be the monogoheela had decided to stop honoring the peace treaty that it had signed so long ago? Or could it be that-

WAITRESS: Hey, Pop's ticker finally bit it!

BIFF: But what about the spear in his back?

WAITRESS: That's not a spear, it's a mole!

BIFF: Boy, you must be pretty stupid to think that spear looks like a mole.

WAITRESS: Did you say I'm stupid? I don't think you're welcome around here anymore.

Camera PANS the crowd, which is staring at Biff with hate filled eyes.

BIFF(VO): I took that as my cue to leave. But Ihad no idea of the trouble I would face when I opened the door.

Biff opens the door, looks outside in #shock.

Camera swings to look out the door. The outside is covered with huge piles of garbage.

BIFF(VO): I knew I had to leave, and there was only # one way out. So I did the only thing I could do. I began to dig.

Biff digs.

BIFF(VO) But as I was digging furiously, I saw the object I was looking for.

Biff finds diamond, picks it up

BIFF(VO): The Star of Bulgaria Diamond!



BIFF: SO, I took a plane home, and made big bucks off the diamond. And that's how I became a trash digger.

BILLY: Boy, that has to be the dumbest story I ever heard in my whole life! I'm leaving.

BIFF: Hey kid! KID! Wait a minute! Don't leave!

Billy walks out.

BIFF: Oh well.

Biff leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on his desk.

BIFF(VO): I never saw the kid again after that, but I knew from the happy expression on his face when he left my office that he was satisfied by my story.


THE GARBAGE DUMP, OUTSIDE# OF BIFFS OFFICE, the camera pulls back until the office is in the background. Camera focus shifts as a little kid walks into the foreground....



The back page says "BIFF PORKINGHAM © 1983 LUKE GATTUSO. BIFF PORKINGHAM USED WITH PERMISSION BY SUPEREAT FILMS." So, I wrote this fine, fine piece of work when I was sixteen or seventeen.

I have no memory of creating this script. I'm guessing Ty & I were going to actually try to somehow film it, which would explain why he had it instead of me.

There are actually two versions of the script- this one, which is copied from the typed and bound script, and another one that's been dittoed (which means I must have made multiple copies- again, I guess because we thought we were going to film this thing). In the ditto version, Billy is replace by Sally (or maybe Sally is replaced by Billy in the bound version. I dunno.).

Is it bad that when I read this I laughed at one of the jokes ("That's not a spear- it's a mole!")?

I really like when Billy's lines are "sniff, sniff, sob." I guess I though writing "Billy cries" wouldn't be clear enough for the actor playing young Bill.

I also like my description of the bar: "people are doing things that people do in bars. a man is juggling peanuts. " Yeah, I sure knew what happens in bars. They're chock full of crazy peanut jugglers. Actually, I'll bet that's there as a cameo part for me- I had just learned to juggle.

The "wretched hive of scum and villainy" line is a direct lift from "Star Wars." The "IN AFRICA" part is actually hand-written into the script- I guess I thought that would be a clever disguise for my plagiarism.